Disclaimer：I cannot guarantee the complete accuracy of this translation
The Depth of Whose Dream
White, red, blue, yellow, an entire range of colors passed under the light of the sparkling chandelier above. Flowing like tropical fish, the dress worn by that lady over there warmed my heart.
Tonight’s party is more vibrant than ever. Invited guests crowded in the huge halls, giving their words of congratulations. Despite being a member of the organizing party, I’m truly impressed.
I wonder if it’s because I’m adopted or whether because I’ve yet to adapt to my current position that I end up with these types of thoughts……
The head of the Mamiya family――Mamiya Sadatsugu’s birthday celebration is almost jokingly large in scale.
(I want to wear that dress. Ah but that dress over there is more to my brother’s liking)
Amongst all these passing thoughts, I’ve noticed one mistake. And soon enough, blood rushing to my cheeks; my face grows hot
(I accidentally referred to him as “Brother” again)
He’s already my husband now. And since I can’t quite kick this habit of mine, it causes Broth…no that’s not it, it causes Sadatsugu to put on a troubled expression.
(But, I enjoy seeing that troubled expression)
Sadatsugu doesn’t know that deep down I’m a bit mean-spirited. He’s always going around calling me an angel, so even if he did know, he’d probably whisper sweetly into my ears “even that part of you is wonderful” and end it at that.
“But Sadatsugu, an angel wouldn’t be brimming with this much jealousy”
Separated by a slight distance, my poisonous words cannot reach Sadatsugu’s ears. After all, at this very moment, Sadatsugu was busy attending to a glamorous looking beauty.
“I’m envious that Sadatsugu got married to a girl as cute as you”
“Haha, in the past, you wouldn’t have seen me as cute”
The beautiful woman who just spoke to me was part of the same circle during my university days and was shamelessly wearing a bold design that exposed that voluminous chest of hers. Breasts so plump, that I worried they would just pop out of that thin fabric any time now.
I wasn’t worried for her, but the possibility of Sadatsugu seeing it; the very thought of it consumed me with jealousy. Taking a deep breath, I attempt to calm myself.
(Why is it that I’m so restless? Even though we married out of love, and yet, why…..?)
I like elaborate dresses, it hides the ugliness beneath.
I sighed, the fear of my true nature being exposed reflected upon my eyes is yet again misconstrued by those around me.
“Ahh, so fragile and yet so beautiful”
“If the other party was this beautiful, I understand the desire to make them your wife, even if they were one’s own adoptive sister.”
The gossip of those whispering around me pierced my heart. Every time I hear praise, I unavoidably think of the difference between those words and reality.
I’m not pretty at all. I’m not cute either. I’m not an angel. ――I’m not fit to be the bride of someone perfect like Mamiya Sadatsugu, the current head of the Mamiya Family,
Whilst negating all those words directed towards me, I grew dizzy and breathless.
I wonder if it’s because I haven’t slept well lately, but my chest oddly hurts. Grasping the front of my dress, my breathing was rapid and shallow. Just as I was about to collapse, two arms reached out and supported me.
“You two siblings sure enjoy suffering. Is it a hobby?”
I was brought to reality by a voice teasing me. It was cold and almost sludge-like.
In a state of shock, I could not turn away from his eyes.
Everyone hails him as a person “warm like his name”. But it wasn’t just his personality, his genius is that of which rivals my brother.
But I…if we are speaking honestly, am a bit scared of him.
Straight black hair that flowed smoothly through the air, a pair of piercingly black eyes that flickered just below, a well-shaped nose――a cool impression that his every last movement is calculated. And the soft smile of a sincere youth.
Even so, I cannot trust this man. As such, I get an unnerving sensation each time I hear this man’s name called.
“……Mr. Haruto, I heard that you weren’t coming today.”
“Work ended earlier than expected, so I came to make fun of the dumb look on Sadatsugu’s face as he inevitably gets himself carried away.”
“Broth…Sadatsugu isn’t getting carried away.”
“How is he not getting carried away? He was just bragging about you just now wasn’t he. Haha, it feels unpleasant just going near there.”
“……Mr. Haruto is my brother’s close friend. Are you sure you should be saying things like that?”
“It’s allowed because it’s me. Or rather if I wasn’t around to say it, Sadatsugu won’t stop running wild, no?”
Slowly tilting his glass and sipping on wine, Mr. Haruto was probably drunk. Letting out a small breath of air, he goes on to mutter something else.
“It is often said that love is blind. But when it applies to both, is it not pitiful?”
“What do you mean……?”
“It’s difficult for you too, no? To only be seen as a beautiful existence, is quite constraining. On that same note, you feel pity toward Sadatsugu. And furthermore, hmmm…there’s also a matter you view with regret”
I wonder if it’s because he’s drunk, but Mr. Haruto is rather unforgiving today. I bit down on my lips, those words were practically testing me.
“Mr. Haruto, you are being mean today.”
“Hmm? Was I mistaken regarding that?”
He wasn’t wrong. That’s why it hurts and Mr. Haruto is well aware of that.
(Nevertheless, to think brother hasn’t noticed at all, it’s almost funny)
Pitiful brother. To be entrapped by and to have married a possessive woman like me who holds no value to the family.
“When I gave up that time, I should’ve just ran away.”
I let out a painful sigh. For a moment there, I felt a sharp stabbing pain.
I’ve been staring at Sadatsugu far too much and for far too long, maybe my eyes are just tired.
(Wait, now that I think of it)
As I stopped to massage my brows, a question popped up in my head.
(“That time”, just exactly how much time did pass since then)
Not too long ago, I got involved in a traffic accident. As a direct result, I lost a few years’ worth of memory.
Life is certainly strange, “mutually in love”, becoming lovers, such was the situation I awoke to.
Such a miraculous turn of events, me of the past must’ve been prancing around in joy like a crazed madman.
(And yet…for some reason, I have no recollection of such a thing. Even though I shedded so many tears in giving up this love, and for it then to be revived, there must’ve been a corresponding incident.)
The insides of my head hurts…or rather it’s throbbing.
It’s a weird feeling, perhaps it’s the effects of being drunk.
I wish to recall those memories, on the other hand, I hope to keep a lid on them forever……there was just a bad feeling about them.
While weighing both thoughts in my hands, Mr. Haruto tilted his glass and spoke in an almost poetic manner. The weird tone was oddly fitting, for a person like him.
“Sadatsugu is a pitiful man”
“Even without you saying it, I understand that fact plenty well. It’s the result of being married to someone like me――”
“That’s not it, Sadatsugu is suffering precisely because he’s happy right now”
“Because he’s happy, he’s suffering…? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Once one understands pleasure, at times it will outweigh the pain. Wanting it known, yet at the same time wanting it hidden. For distorted people like us, it is especially so.”
I didn’t quite understand exactly what he meant, but I couldn’t help but reply, somehow I felt like he insulted Sadatsugu whom I deeply respected.
“I understand Brother more than you Mr. Haruto. My older brother is a clumsily straight person. That is why he hasn’t run from me yet.”
“Ahh, I’m getting addicted to these depths. Oh so very fun and oh so very interesting”
What is this strange discomfort? I felt like I could not play catch-ball with those words.
(From the start, there was something unusual about this person and it seems that part of him spurred up recently……)
I couldn’t interpret it as mere words of a drunkard either.
Somehow today, I was at a loss for words.
(It hurts! That headache from earlier…?)
Groaning from the pain, the fingertips that held the glass began staining with the color red. A smell of rust permeated through the air and into my nose.
Ahh, It truly is a――nostalgic and almost irritating smell.
My Fingers, When, Stained Red
Who’s Skin, Clawed
――Inside my head, words are falling down, each one like a ton of bricks. My brain’s conversion functions are broken.
This time my body collapses as my condition suddenly worsens.
My body that was prepared to be hit by the feeling of the cold hard floor, was instead tightly held within the clutches of someone’s arms.
“Hey, are you feeling unwell?”
I wonder if love makes one feel this way, brother’s voice sounded gentle and smooth like silk. Although it has the same quality, unlike Mr. Haruto’s voice, it robs me of my resistance. Always giving me relief, it was sweet.
(Ah, I’m glad. It’s no longer…on my fingers)
I ended up hallucinating and I pin the blame on the alcohol I drank.
Relieved, strength left my body and with a concerned look, Brother caught me in his arms.
And in doing, the wonderfully defined features of his face were saddened much more than necessary.
(If I leave things as is, he’s gonna end up calling the best doctors in the world again) Sensing that it was close to happening. I pushed myself back up and got back on my own two feet.
“It’s not a cold…nor do I have a fever, so please relax”
“Then I guess it’s fine……”
As I spoke, my face, in contrast, didn’t look “good” at all.
Conversing through our eyes, Sadatsugu was clearly frustrated and it was easy to tell that I looked pale.
“Haa, I seriously just want to lock you up inside a room. That way, you can never be touched by the outside air”
“I’m not a girl who needs to live inside an isolated sterile chamber to survive. Or are you saying that you would prefer me like that Sadatsugu?”
Despite obviously saying it as a joke, Sadatsugu had an expression almost as though he was inadvertently attacked by those words. However, it was only for a brief moment. Very quickly, back with his usual kind-brother face, he laughed with a smile.
“No, I love the always very bright and cheerful you…but even when you aren’t, I still love you all the same.”
“Haha, I love everything about you too, Sadatsugu”
“You know, if you say something like that I……”
Sadatsugu’s hands slowly slid down my waist. Adhering me closer, my heart started pounding loudly.
“No, not now Sadatsugu. Everyone is watching”
Without making the slightest noise, he kissed my temple.
Soon after, Sadatsugu showered me with a rain of kisses, each like the tiny peck of a baby bird, whilst gradually traversing his way down to my ears, in the end……he devoured them a bit indecently.
“This is punishment for letting a man other than me touch you”
“You saw? But that was Mr. Haruto so……”
“That’s got no relation to this. Mr. Haruto is also a man”
Amazed, Mr. Haruto squeezed himself into the conversation.
“Eh? I thought you trusted me, but I guess not”
“That is a different matter. As of late, you’ve been doing a lot of things I dislike”
(Something my brother disliked…?)
“Yes yes. Sorry about that, I won’t do it anymore”
“Do you seriously understand that?”
“I know I know. Ah, by the way, there’s a special performance by the poolside, isn’t there? Your secretary called me up with that info. They seemed to be in a hurry, so it’s best for you to get going”
“You should’ve said so earlier”
“Ahaha, because I’m drunk I ended up forgetting about it completely. Well it seems like Sadatsugu, you’re fine even without a life ring”
“T-that’s a talk of the past! I can swim now, and from the start, there are no plans to swim today!”
“If so I’m relieved. If I remember correctly, she couldn’t swim at that time either? I was so worried that the both of you would drown”
“Haa, I did say we couldn’t swim”
“Even if you were to drown, I would save you with CPR”
“I’d be in actual hell, the moment I open my eyes”
“Then I’ll show you paradise”
“I do not want to be breaking those kinds of grounds. Well then, I’ll see you again later.”
There might be something I need to help out on as well.
Whilst thinking that I chased after my brother, but then I heard a cheerful voice come out from behind me.
“Haha, how long does Sadatsugu intend to continue drowning”
“Eh, umm, we both can actually swim now……”
“Is that so?”
Why is it that I hear as though those words are not being used in their literal sense.
Even though Mr. Haruto was supposed to be drunk. No…he never was drunk in the first place. Moving away from the wall, he pointed towards my feet. With his finger, he made a circular gesture.
“――Look, that place is already, the depth of a crazy dream. Once touched by it, there’s no escaping from it for the two of you“
A pain penetrates deep into my brain, it was incomparable to the one prior.
In the blink of an eye, the landscape, everything changed. My eyes widened with shock.
My torn clothes
Someone’s blood staining my nails
A murky liquid flowing down between my thighs
A mix of blood, semen, and tears――it was the scent of rape
Hoping to end this hallucination, I screamed.
Mr. Haruto quickly approached, reaching out his hand to me.
“Are you okay? Do you need to go to the restroom?”
The instance that Mr. Haruto put on a caring smile, for some reason I was frightened and ran. I don’t remember ever feeling this level of danger as a woman. But more importantly, because of the fact I sensed that even worse things happened between me and Sadatsugu as a couple, I was scared.
“I-I’m fine. It’s really nothing……”
“Yes! And, umm……I’ll catch you later!”
I cannot afford to be talking to Mr. Haruto any longer. Hastily, I made my way to the location where I last caught a glimpse of Sadatsugu.
“Haa, ha, ha……”
Although I ran through most of the premise, I couldn’t find Sadatsugu.
(Brother, Brother…where are you? If I don’t quickly see you right now, I’ll lose my mind……)
Getting out into an unpopulated hallway, I rested myself upon the walls. My breathing is off, and I’m sweating unusually.
I’m not down with a virus, and yet there’s something wrong with my body.
Or rather, there’s something wrong with me mentally speaking……
Seeing hallucinations isn’t normal.
“I’ll rest here a little for now……”
Immediately after I finished muttering those words, a sound cuts in from across the corner.
As the sound approached closer, I patted my chest.
I am a bit embarrassed at myself, for I knew it was my brother from just the sound of footsteps.
Both now and then, I remain fixated on him.
“If you are going to rest in a place like this, how about you go back together with me?”
“I told you not to push yourself didn’t I?”
“But, I really don’t have a cold. It’s not that……”
I was hesitant to say that it is a matter of the mind.
If I said it, it would certainly make Sadatsugu worry.
Without saying a word, lifting up my chin, Sadatsugu gently kissed me. Time and time again, as if sweetly instructed, my heart opened up like these lips of me.
“Did you really think you’d be able to hide it from me?”
“B-but, this kind of concern is……”
“I won’t release you if you don’t say it”
My mind blurred, the nervousness disappeared, and I finally spoke in a low voice,
“Umm, brother. Lately, there’s been something wrong with me”
“Are you sick?”
“Hmm. How should I say it? Although there’s nothing physically wrong with me, sometimes my heart would ache. I’m in a way too happy of a state right now that it makes me feel anxious”
I wonder if he was troubled, but my brother kissed me.
Resting my cheeks upon his chest, I felt a bit uneasy again in the face of the feeling that was all too sweet.
“Brother, embrace me. Hold me tightly until this uneasy feeling disappears”
“That is impossible”
Owing to my weakened emotional state, the sadness of the refusal immediately brought tears into my eyes.
Brother smiled, his lips still wet as he drank up the tears that spilled from my eyes.
“I won’t embrace you as ‘Brother’ any longer”
I quickly understood his intentions and realized I messed up once again. As I proceeded to fix the way I referred to him, I found it oddly embarrassing and my cheeks burned red.
“Hold me, Sadatsugu”
The moment I finished that line, I was quickly grabbed and held within his arms.
Those lips that quickly overlapped mine, were hot as if to express their excitement.
Even though he has experienced this taste countless times over, with as much as vigor as though it was the first, Sadatsugu greedily devoured me.
Licking, entwining with my tongue, painfully sucking on it, and kneading it.
With the eyes of a beast, my saliva, my breath, he wanted everything,
Knocking on his chest as breathing soon became difficult.
“B-Brother, I feel like I’m going to drown. Please let me take a short break”
“…..My bad. It’s already been half day where I haven’t kissed you, I couldn’t help but be engrossed in it”
“Haha, almost as if you were an addict”
“Looks like you don’t understand it at all”
While chuckling, this time properly cherishing me, he laid down a soft and gentle kiss.
Amidst it, Sadatsugu said almost jokingly.
“Ahh……if only I actually could drown”
If this happiness is the fruit of my love and obsession then――surely this is the depths of a crazy dream.